英語的笑話

英語的笑話1

　　借公牛一用

　　Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn't know any words.

　　One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.

　　After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, "OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I'll go myself shortly.

　　從前，有個人很富有，但他不識字。

　　一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一頭公牛，便寫了個條，讓仆人送到富人那里。 仆人把條子給了富人。富人便假裝看了一會兒，然后說道：“好啦，我知道了。回去告訴你的主人，我馬上自己過去。”

英語的笑話2

　　Midway Tactics

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

　　中間戰術

　　三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

　　右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”

　　左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”

　　中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。

　　Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　很高興認識你

　　在第二次世界大戰中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個大軍營中工作，當然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞會上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對她說，“我明天就要出國，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會很高興。”瓊同意了，于是他們幾個月里一直通著信。

　　后來，他再沒有來信。她收到了另一個軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個部隊醫院里。

　　瓊到了醫院，她對護士長說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”

　　“這里只有親屬可以探望病人。”護士長說。

　　“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高興認識你，”護士長說，“我是他的母親。”

　　Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　兩名士兵

　　軍營里有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”

　　比爾說：“有。”然后把信紙和信封給了喬治。

　　喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完后把信放進信封里，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。

　　這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”

　　比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。

　　喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。

　　“你還要什么?”比爾問。

　　喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五個月

　　第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。

　　可約翰的'哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。

　　“你多大了?”軍醫問。

　　“十八，長官。”約翰說。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”

　　約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。”

英語的笑話3

　　Walking up to a department store's fabric（織物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

　　"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） . "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

　　With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人煩惱地） held it out.

　　The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老家伙） standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

　　一個漂亮的女孩走到百貨公司的布料柜臺，說：“我想要買這種料子來做一條新裙子，多少錢？”

　　“每碼只需要一個吻。”男售貨員說著，帶著奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩說，“我要十碼。”

　　帶著期待的表情，售貨員很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一臉奸笑地送了過來。

　　女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑著指向了一個站在她身邊的'老頭：“爺爺給我付賬。”

英語的笑話4

　　吝嗇鬼的餐會

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一個聲名狼藉的.小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開。”

　　“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧?”

英語的笑話5

　　In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar.

　　Mr. Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often，but he never took his son，Tom，because he was too young. Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday， Mr.Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time.They drank for half an hour，and then Mr.Thompson said to his son，“Now， Tom，I want to teach you a useful lesson.You must always be careful not to drink too much. And how do you know when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you.Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home.”

　　“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar.”

　　在英國，十八歲以下的人不準進酒吧喝酒。

　　湯普森先生以前常常去他家附近的一個酒吧喝酒，但他從來不帶他的兒子湯姆去，因為他年紀太小。后來，當湯姆年滿十八歲的時候，湯普森先生第一次帶他去他常去的`那家酒吧。他們喝了半個小時，而后，湯普森先生對他兒子說：“湯姆，現在我要告訴你一個有益的教訓。你必須時時小心不要喝得太多。你怎么知道你喝夠了呢？好，我來告訴你。你看見酒吧那頭有兩盞燈嗎？當那兩盞燈看起來變成四盞的時候，你就喝夠了，應該回家了。

　　“可是，爸爸。”湯姆說：“在酒吧那頭我只能看見一盞燈。”

英語的笑話6

　　On a trip to Disney World

　　in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

　　As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."

　　Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."

　　My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."

　　迪斯尼之旅 弗羅里達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅游，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我們要回家了。

　　當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇。”

　　女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮。”

　　丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”

英語的`笑話7

　　A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”

　　A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.

　　Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”

　　He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”

英語的笑話8

　　a little boy asked his father, "daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

　　一個小男孩問他的父親，“爸爸，要花多少錢才能結婚呢?”

　　and the father replied, "i don't know, son, i'm still paying."

　　“我也不知道，我現在還在交錢。”父親回答。

英語的笑話9

　　款待Treat

　　As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

　　One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.

　　Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.

　　"An ice-cream cone. Why?"

　　"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"

　　我是新澤西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡邏一條海濱的路線，幾乎每天都能碰上與父母走散的孩子。

　　一天下午，我發現一個小孩獨自站在那里，顯然是迷了路。我先是設法取得他的信任－我帶他到附近的冰淇淋攤給他買了一個蛋筒。過了很長時間，也沒看見他父母的影子，所以我就準備打電話叫輛巡邏車將他送回總部去。我告訴他站在那里別動，我去電話亭打電話。當我回來時，卻發現他不知道到哪兒去了。

　　警車很快來了。一名警察問我小孩在哪里。我感覺自己傻極了，說自己弄丟了一個迷路的`小孩，該多丟人啊！但我還是告訴了警察們所發生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的長相。“你請他吃了什么？”一名警察問。

　　“一個冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

　　“因為，”那名警察說，“那個小孩住的地方離這兒只隔幾個街區。而你大概是新警察中幫他買東西吃的第五個傻瓜蛋！”

英語的笑話10

　　誰的兒子最偉大

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

　　四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的'兒子。“我的兒子是個教士，”第一位母親自豪地說道，“他進入房間，人們都說，‘您好，閣下’。”

　　第二為母親說：“我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，‘您好，大人’。” “我的兒子是位紅衣主教，”第三位母親接著說，“他走進房間，人們都說，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

　　第四位母親略思片刻。“我的兒子身高六英尺十，體重三百磅，”她說，“他要是走入房間，人們都說‘哦，我的上帝’!”

英語的笑話11

　　Navajo Message For The Moon

　　納瓦伙族人給月球的訊息

　　When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.

　　在美國國家航天局準備阿波羅航天計劃時，他們讓宇航員們去亞利桑那州納瓦伙族保留區進行訓練。某天，一位納瓦伙族老人和他兒子遇見正在巖石間穿行的航空工作人員。

　　The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

　　老人問了航天局人員一個問題，但他只會說納瓦伙族語，兒子幫他進行了翻譯：

　　"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

　　“這些穿著厚重衣服的家伙在干嘛?”

　　One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

　　一個宇航員說他們正為去月球進行訓練。當兒子傳達給老人后，老人非常興奮地問道能否請宇航員們為他向月球傳遞一條訊息。

　　A NASA official said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. But he refused.

　　航天局官員回答：“當然可以啦!”并吩咐下屬拿來錄音機。老人的留言非常簡短，航天局官員問老人的'兒子可否告訴他們老人說了什么，但他拒絕了。

　　Finally, an official government translator was summoned. The translator relayed the message:

　　最后，他們請來了一位政府翻譯員，他轉述道：

　　"Watch out for these fellows! They have come to steal your land."

　　“小心這些家伙!他們來搶你們的領土了。”

英語的笑話12

　　He is really somebody!

　　" My uncle has 1000 men under him."

　　"He is really somebody. What does he do?"

　　"A maintenance man in a cemetery. "

　　他真是一個大人物!

　　“我叔叔下面有1000個人。”

　　“他真是一個大人物。干什么的?”

　　“墓地守墓人。”

英語的笑話13

　　Story19 Smart Robot Look, this robot carries boxes to build blocks! The new smart robot, Sorry, is 60 centimeters high. It weighs 7.5 kilogram. It has a camera “eye” on its head. It can recognize colors and human faces.

英語的笑話14

　　The young newly-weds quarrelad.At last she could bear it no longer and burst into tears.

　　一對年輕的新婚夫婦吵架了。最后妻子終于忍不住哭了起來。

　　“I don't want to have anything to do with you any more. l'm packing up my things and going off to mother."“Fine,my dear,said the husband.

　　“我不想跟你有任何瓜葛了。我要去收拾東西，離開這里回娘家去。”

　　”Here are the traveling expenses."She counted the money.“What about the money for the return ticket?”

　　“好，親愛的，”丈夫說，“我給你路費。¨她數了數錢。”還有回來的'路費呢。”

英語的笑話15

　　After my husband，John，and I moved to Michigan from Nebraska，our new friends，proud of their beautiful tree一lined roads，teased us about the Mid-west's dull，flat，treeless land. When my parents，Nebraska farmers，visited us，I asked them about their trip.

　　我和丈夫約翰從內布拉斯加搬到密西根后，我們新認識的朋友們總為他們美麗的`林蔭大過引以為榮.他們嘲諷我們的中西部平原荒涼、貧瘩，連株枯樹都沒有。后來我父母從內布拉斯加的老家來看我們，我問他們對旅途的感受。

　　What a boring drive，"my father replied."Once you get to Michigan, there's nothing to see but trees."

　　我父親抱怨著:“枯澡，乏味，一進入密西根，除了樹什么都沒有。”

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